


Rain in your black eyes

by Godhelp_us_all



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, First work - Freeform, Grammar - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, the author doesn't know how to write correctly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:34:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22563316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Godhelp_us_all/pseuds/Godhelp_us_all
Summary: Alex had always loved to watch. His eyes could see almost everything if he wanted them to. Living with his incredibly attractive boyfriends blessed him with the joy of admiring not only one, but two beauties and, oh, had he used the opportunity to practice his 'super-vision' on them.That's why he noticed first.orI literally cannot write summaries. Please read the fic. This is my first work ever ohmygod I'm so anxious.(Additional warnings in the end notes(but that's in chapter 2 or so)).
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette, Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson/Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette, Thomas Jefferson/Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette
Comments: 18
Kudos: 43





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to the hellhole!  
> This is my first fic ever, so please be nice???  
> English is not my first language, so I apologize for grammar mistakes(especially the tenses, so sorry)  
> Well, I guess that's it.  
> ~"Enjoy"~

Alex couldn't help but notice that something was off with Tomas.

It started after he, Tomas, and Laf had visited the big party hosted by Washington 3 days ago. As much as Alex would hate to admit, considering the amount of time he begged for his boyfriends to let him stay at home, he had a great time. He could almost taste the tease in Thomas's voice as he tells Alex that 'he was right as always.'

Except that Thomas didn't.

All three of them left the event early. As soon as it would be considered appropriate for guests to go home, Thomas dragged Alex and Laf away from the place. Alex would be surprised at the already awaiting Uber at the gates of his boss' mansion if he wasn't deeply concerned for his curly-haired boyfriend. 

Sure, Thomas wasn't someone you could call a social butterfly. The man had terrible anxiety. Nevertheless, Alex had never seen in his life that Thomas would decline an invitation if the place had free alcohol. Tables at Washington's had tons of booze and Thomas, who had spent their whole preparation evening by excitedly ranting about getting 'super wasted after this shitty week don't you dare stop me,' hadn't even finished a single glass of wine.

Something was wrong.

Something was really wrong. During their ride home, Thomas would flinch at every loving touch that Alex and Laf tried to give. Unbeknownst to the Virginian, his boyfriends started to get increasingly worried. Though Thomas wasn't a tender man, he had never responded to his significant others' affections like this. As the Uber stopped near their apartment building and Laf was left behind to pay the driver, Alex took his arm and realized with horror that the man was shaking.

All of a sudden, the immigrant wanted to cry. He felt so helpless, not knowing how to help Thomas, who looked so small despite his gigantic height. Alex had never felt so relieved when he heard Lafayette approach them. The Frenchman opened the front door and gently nudged the pair into the building. 

The elevator ride was silent, and the tension was thick. When they finally entered their penthouse, Alex saw Laf open his mouth to say something as Thomas interrupted.

"I'm going to take a shower. If it is not a problem, I would like some tea."

'Who the fuck is this?!'-Alex couldn't help but wonder. The southern accent, which Alex wanted to hear more than anything at that moment, was gone. The strain in Thomas' voice left the immigrant guessing if the Virginian was suppressing his accent.

"Of course,"-came from his left. Alex looked over to find Lafayette, as surprised as himself.

Thomas sharply nodded, looked at them with an unreadable expression, then turned and climbed the stairs, going in the direction of the bathroom. Alex waited for the sound of the door closing, and as soon as he heard the muffled thud, he was whisper screaming at Laf, who went to boil some water.

"What the fuck was that?!"-he exclaimed, his left hand pointing at the place where Thomas had been just a couple of minutes ago.

"Like I would know,"-Laf said and let out an exhausted sigh while running his fingers through his hair, pressing the button on the kettle already filled with water.  
Just as Alex was about to say something Laf leaned down and shut him up with a light kiss.

"Look, I know you are worried. Me too,"-he said while stroking Alex's cheek." But we are all tired, and all we need right now is a good sleep, okay?"  
Alex went silent. Faint bubbling sounds from the kettle being the only sounds in the kitchen.  
With the click, the kettle went off. Alex slowly nodded.

"Good boy,"-Laf smiled at him through his long lashes while blindly reaching for a cup." Let's get you ready for bed, huh?"-he poured the hot water and put the bag of herbal tea in the cup. 

The Frenchman tagged on his hand, leading him to their bedroom. As if on cue, the minute they step into the room, Thomas marched out of the bathroom looking way better than he was 10 minutes ago. Alex was startled by the shortness of the Virginian's shower-the man never got out less than in 40 minutes-and was about to ask the said man about it, but then Thomas smiled at him with his' evening smile'-tired but filled with love, and Alex couldn't manage a single word. He smiled in response and started to get ready for sleep. While he was tugging his clothes off, he saw Laf pressing a loving kiss to Thomas' forehead and giving the requested tea. 

Adoration swilled in Thomas' eyes as he watched his boyfriends go through their nightly routine. The finished cup was cooling off on the small nightstand. Finally, Alex and Laf climbed under the covers, Thomas being the middle spoon.

The worry in Alex's mind was decreasing. His boys were with him, safe and sound.

Almost submitting to the sweet feeling of sleep, Alex didn't miss the way Thomas jumped when the immigrant started tracing patterns with his hand on the Virginian's abdomen.

When he carefully looked up at Thomas, who was lying with his eyes closed, he didn't miss the way his boyfriend's mask of happiness fell off, exposing what he truly felt: sadness, fear, and hurt.

When he stared at Thomas's face in the dark room, he hoped that he imagined the tear rolling past tightly shut eyelids.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t really understand how to post, so hopefully I don’t mess this up.  
> There is no serious stuff here yet, only explicit language:)

The next day wasn’t any better.

Alex loved mornings. He might seem like the I-live-in-NYC-and-hate-quiet type of guy, but fortunately for his sleeping beauties of boyfriends, he relished in some hours of silence that were given to him in early hours and wouldn’t dare make a sound as if not to destroy the beautiful quietness. The man didn’t even make himself coffee sometimes because of the disgusting wheezing sounds the machine had always made.

The other good thing- he was always alone. While he cherished the love he received from Thomas and Laf he wouldn’t trade for anything his time for himself. Alex was an easily excited man which is why he relished in any calm moments he could get. Laf was the contrary. As the Virginian once said: ”I don’t understand why everyone sees you and me as opposites when you and Laf are! It’s like he has never been bothered in his life by any shit while here you are almost screaming about this ‘cute’ cat which is totally unreasonable because dogs are ultimately better for fuck's sake, Alex!”. This argument had led them to an unpleasant fight and a much more pleasant making up scene afterward.

Thomas.

With the thought of his boyfriend, Alex abruptly sat up, immediately regretting the fast movement as his hangover made itself present, crashing his head in half. Memories from yesterday flooded his mind as he caught a glimpse of a cold cup on the nightstand. Alex looked at his left to find an empty space between Lafayette and himself. Thomas was gone.

Alex shuddered when the picture of crying Thomas appeared in front of his eyes. He stretched his arms, shook the remains of sleep off himself and slowly and carefully stood up with determination to find Thomas and to somehow make the Virginian feel better.

Alex didn’t bother himself with a morning routine, heading downstairs to the living room instead, where Thomas usually was in these early hours, if he managed to wake up before the immigrant. The Virginian adored the place and would often spend his time there by working on his laptop, or reading a book, or simply taking a nap after a hard day on one of the unbelievably soft couches while Laf and Alex were making dinner in the ‘kitchen’ part of the room, his relaxed features shining in the soft light streaming from the floor-to-ceiling windows. Thomas’ boyfriends would usually stop what they were doing and admire sleeping perfection.

But the room was empty when he arrived. Everything was in the exact same place it was left yesterday. If Thomas had been here, he would have made his ‘nest’-some comforters and pillows forming a cocoon, a Bluetooth speaker, a steaming cup of tea, a book he is currently reading and a large plate with sliced fruits. Alex didn’t like the unpleasant feeling forming in his stomach at the memory of how cozy the room could look.

He frowned and continued his searching. Crossing the room with big strides he reached Thomas’s study and peeked inside. He found no one. He looked in his own study, Laf’s painting room, guest bedroom and all of the 3 bathrooms, but he found no one.

With worry starting to creep into his mind, Alex was headed upstairs to check the last unsearched place-the bathroom, connected to the master bedroom, and to wake up Laf, when he heard the front door open. Alex all but whipped around. He had finally found Thomas, yet the worry in his mind didn’t subside.

His boyfriend looked awful, to say at least. His wild hair was the messiest Alex had ever seen it, the clothes he was wearing were wrinkled and the bags under his eyes were giving the impression that Thomas hadn’t slept this night.

“Hey,”- Alex weakly said after a couple of moments.

“Hi,”-Thomas breathed in response.

The silence between them wasn’t comforting. Alex felt the chills marching down his back as he realized that this silence, probably for the first time since they had met, was awkward. Alex, being the short-tempered man he was, snapped.

“What the hell, Thomas? Where have you been? I was worried sick! Couldn’t you, I don’t know, maybe leave a note or something so I don’t fucking lose my mind searching for you?! What the actual fuck, Thomas?! Why did you do shit like that?!”

Questions came from his mouth faster than he could register them. Alex could feel his blood boil the way it did when he was arguing with Thomas. Ready to start their everyday bickering, Alex waited for Thomas’ response.

“I’m sorry, Alexander. I didn’t think you would be concern-”

“Of course I would be concerned! I am concerned! You can’t just go out in the fucking 6 am-which you never do, might I add-without even a single word and expect me to be okay with it! You are my boyfriend, Thomas! I love you and I care about you, but you don’t give a shit about that, do you?!”

“Stop exaggerating! I just went out for a simple walk about an hour ago! What the hell, Alexander? Why does it count as ‘not givin’ a shit about you’?”

“Because you didn’t tell me!”

“You were sleepin’! Don’t you realize that you would have killed me if I had woken you up at 5am after a party where you definitely had some drinks so you are probably with a severe hangover now, Alexander?!”

“Stop fucking calling me that!”-he was almost screaming at this point. “No need to be so diplomatic with me, Tommy.”

Venom thick in his voice as he stared Thomas in the eyes. The Virginian was visibly taken aback by the name: he flinched as if he was slapped across the face and his eyes started watering. Alex, riding high on the adrenalin from the fight, didn’t care to apologize. Instead, he continued his taunting.

“Oh, the little baby gonna cry again?”-he mockingly asked ignoring the hurtful look on his boyfriend’s face.

“Alex, stop. I’m 

“Please, Tommy, you don’t have to apologize. How dare I ask you, the greatest man ever, about your actions, right? Oh, what did you do to deserve such terrible and disrespectful treatment from me, Tommy?”

Thomas was on the verge of tears. He strolled past Alex, went upstairs and- judging by the sound of it-locked himself in the bathroom. The silence came back.

“Shit,”-Alex muttered and covered his face with his hands. Why couldn’t he just shut up? ‘The question asked by everyone’. He chuckled at the thought.

He considered going after Thomas but decided to give both of them time to calm down. Alex went to the coffee machine and turned it on. If he wanted to ‘make everything better’ he needed to be in a better state of mind. Alex cursed himself once again. What the hell was he thinking? Was he even thinking? He had to cheer Thomas up, yet he had made the Virginian even more upset. Fuck.

When two cups of coffee were cooling off on the table, bacon was starting to make hissing sounds and the burning sensation in the immigrant’s finger was fading-if only he had been a good boyfriend, he cursed himself, yet again, he wouldn’t have had to make breakfast and to be in such fucking pain-Laf appeared in the room. He came up to Alex and the smaller man could sense the Frenchman’s morning breath, which meant that Thomas was still in the bathroom and didn’t let him come in. Laf leaned down and kissed Alex. ‘That is how normal boyfriends greet each other,’- Alex told himself while mentally kicking his morning self’s ass. The affections and the loving look in Laf’s eyes made Alex understand, that he would need to tell the Frenchman about the morning incident because he had no idea about the mess that had happened. Fuck.

Alex broke the kiss, smiled at the taller man and motioned to the plates on the bar stand. Laf frowned a little but sat down on one of the chairs, grubbed his meal and a cup of coffee, shoot Alex a thankful smile and began eating. If he wondered why didn’t the brilliant cook of the relationship make today’s breakfast, he didn’t say anything.

Alex started eyeing the kettle. He wasn’t sure if Thomas would come. Yet, he switched the thing on. He was slicing apples for Thomas when he heard a voice behind himself.

“What did you do?”

Ever the interrogator. He slowly turned around to look Laf in the eyes and met the pair of brown ones glaring at him. He had never hated Laf’s trait of wanting to know every damn thing more than in that moment because while he accepted that he was wrong, hearing the Frenchman’s judging tone would make him feel like a complete asshole.

“We had a fight.”

“I’ve already got that one, thanks. What did you do?”

“I yelled at him.”

“Why?”

“Because he left.”

“Left?”-Laf’s tone started to get angry and concerned at the same time.

“Yeah…I had spent an hour looking for him this morning.”

“Where was he?”

“Didn’t ask. Didn’t have time for that.”

“So you didn’t ask him about the thing that caused the fight in the first place?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Alex-“

“If only you had heard him! He was making some bullshit excuses like ‘I didn’t know you would be worryin’ ’ and ‘You make this sound way more serious than it actually is’,”-Alex poorly tried to mimic Thomas’s southern accent. “He was calling me ‘Alexander’, how could I stay civil with him?!” The Frenchman’s eyes widened at the last sentence.

“What did you do then?”- he asked quietly, but Alex could feel the dangerous notes in his voice.

“Well, I told him that I loved him so obviously I would care if h-“

“Don’t play dumb. You know what I’m talking about.”

“I yelled at him and told him to stop calling me that.”

“And?”

“What do you mean ‘and’?”-Alex knew he was just pushing away the inevitable. Damn Lafayette and his interrogation skills.

“Alex,”-Laf said in a tired tone. Alex took a deep breath.  
“I called him ‘that’ name.” Laf snapped.

“Alex, you fucker. What were you thinking?!”

“Why does he have the right to call me whatever he wants and I don’t?”-Alex knew he sounded like a 5-year-old, but still.

“Because he hates it!” This was an underestimation. When the stage of pet names came into their relationship, Thomas was absolutely livid once someone called him ‘Tommy’. His boyfriend had never got any explanation other than ‘I just don’t like it’. Alex and Laf someday had made bets: the immigrant was sure that it was something from his childhood, maybe even a fucked up dad or something, and Laf was convinced that ‘It is not our fucking business, Alex, stop’.

“Well, I hate this ‘Alexander’ bullshit too but here you are lecturing me.”

“And here you are arguing with me while Thomas is upstairs, locked in the bathroom all by himself!”

“How I am guilty in him being a crybaby?!” Laf gasped in fury.

“Go apologize,”- he said in the if-you-say-some-shit-I-will-not-hesitate-to-beat-your-ass tone and Alex couldn’t find the energy to continue their fight. ‘Two fights with two boyfriends in one morning, way to go, Alex.’ 

He didn’t respond and carefully made his way towards the stairs. When he was at their bottom, Laf said: ”I expect the two of you to eat breakfast with me, but don’t you dare come back alone.” Alex simply nodded.  
When he reached the bathroom his nerves kicked in. Despite their regular fights, Alex didn’t know how to apologize simply because he rarely thought of himself as the one to blame.

Slowly, he knocked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That happened  
> Hope you still like this.  
> :^*


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some trigger warnings. See end notes.

Thomas was stubborn as fuck. Everyone who had met the man could say that without any hesitation. They called it frustrating, but Alexander thought of it as a charming little quirk.

Well, until now.

His right hand had gone numb knocking; he was probably slamming his fist against the hard wood for an hour and a half. Alex was getting mad: at himself for being a bitch, at the situation for being a shit, and at Thomas for being ‘so goddamn stubborn, why can’t we just talk’. Alex wasn’t sure if the door started to break under his force or if he was hallucinating a little bit due to the same image of solid wood he was eyeing for so long.

“Thomas, please. I’m really tired of this. Come out and let me apologize properly, sweetheart” Alex was getting more worried with each passing second.

“Thomas, I swear to god, I will fucking crush this fucking door if you don’t fucking open it right fucking now!”

A couple of silent moments and Alex’s bruised knuckles were up in the air, ready to knock again when Thomas finally responded.

“A-Alex?” Thomas was speaking so quietly Alex had to lean on the door to hear him properly.

“Yes, baby?”

“Alex, I’m scared” There was a crack in Thomas’ voice that let Alex know the Virginian was crying. Too much in only two days for Alex’s liking.

“It’s ok, darling. Don’t worry, we are here. Do you want to come out and chill with Laf and me on the couch?” Alex couldn’t remember if he had ever spoken that soft with anyone before.

“I-it will be nice” Some shuffling was coming from the bathroom. Thomas was going to come out, and Alex couldn’t help but feel guilty all over again.

The bathroom finally fucking opened.

Alex had never seen Thomas in such a bad state. Everything in his appearance looked off, from his red, due to the crying, eyes, to his scratched with nails, almost bleeding forearms. Those red lines on the delicate dark skin had always been an indication that Thomas had just gone through a panic attack. The Virginian had always said that this was just his grounding method, though it had never eased Alex’s concern: he knew exactly how dangerous self-harm could get, and losing yet another important person because of it was unbearable for him.

“Can we not talk about this now?” Thomas sounded so fragile that the immigrant felt like breaking down himself. 

Alex looked at Thomas’ arms again. They seemed fine enough to not get immediate bandaging, so Alex decided to let it slide just for Thomas’ sake. He nodded. Thomas lightly smiled and took the immigrant’s hand, leading him downstairs to the living room.

When the pair came down, Thomas was in Laf’s arms in a second. They didn’t say a thing to each other, but Thomas visibly relaxed in his boyfriend’s hug. Alex tried to reason with himself, saying that they were more comfortable with each other because they had been together for a longer time, not that Thomas didn’t trust him anymore or that he was scared of Alex or that the Virginian hated him for his stupid fucking actions and words-

Alex was tugged out of his self-loathing thoughts by Lafayette’s hand, gripping Alex’s wrist and throwing the immigrant on the couch where Thomas had already been lying. Alex made himself comfortable between his boyfriends. Four familiar arms snaked around his torso, two familiar bodies squished him almost cutting him off from oxygen, but in that moment he found himself actually breathing for the first time this day.

Alex turned his head to the side, finding Thomas’ loving gaze. Carefully, Alex reached up and covered the Virginian’s lips with his, eyes closing in bliss. After meeting no resistance, he deepened the kiss bringing one arm to wander through his boyfriend’s dark curls. Laf grumbled something about his lack of attention, which made Thomas giggle in Alex’s mouth, and because of that simple sound Alex jolted with happiness, wanting to hear it again and again and again.

But then he moved his hand from Thomas’ hair to his cheek. The second he touched his face, he felt something wet. Eyes flying wide open, he stared at the tear tracks on his boyfriend’s perfect face. Immediately breaking the kiss, Alex elbowed Laf to gain his attention and sat up.

Thomas was shaking like a leaf. Laf, once again, understood everything and tried to get Thomas in his arms, but this time the Virginian didn’t let him, rushing to the other side of the couch instead. Alex saw Thomas cover his forearms again and reached out to stop him from hurting himself, but Thomas flinched violently, nails only digging deeper in his skin.

“I-I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m scared,” Thomas’ words were slurred, forced out.

“It’s alright, baby. I’m sorry for my actions, I won’t do that again, ok? Can you breathe with me, darling?” Alex felt himself nearing his own panic attack but tried to stay conscious for Thomas.

“No! Alex, I can’t. Fuck. No. Please, stop,” Thomas started to hyperventilate.

“Shh, honey. You’re fine. We gonna help you, we just need you to breathe, ok?” Laf gently pushed Alex aside, seeing that the immigrant was close to breaking down. “Can you try to breathe like me? It’s not that hard, look.” He inhaled and exhaled calmly. Thomas tried to cope his actions and slowly, but surely the fearful haze in his eyes started to clear.

“I’m sorry for…that shit,” He finally said after some minutes of breathing.

“It’s ok, honey. You don’t need to apologize for this.” Laf smiled at him while opening his arms to cuddle Alex.

“Thomas, what’s bothering you?” Alex whispered, not adverting his eyes from the said man.

Thomas took a deep breath and abruptly stood up.  
“I’ll understand if you don’t want to talk to me after that. Hell, I probably won’t understand if you do want to even see me after that.” His hands were shaking, but his voice was steady.

“I’ll let you know that I’m disgusted by myself, too. It wasn’t supposed to happen, and I didn’t want it to happen.”

Alex opened his mouth at that, but Thomas threw him a shut-up-for-once-please glare, and the immigrant obediently snapped his jaws together.

Thomas looked down.

Inhaled.

Exhaled.

Looked back up at his boyfriends.

His words sharp as a knife cut the formed tension in the room.

“I cheated.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, hope I don’t mess this up.  
> Tw: mentions of self-harm and panic attacks(briefly, nothing serious), shitty plot.


End file.
